Going to the Baby Dump and looking online at the Baby Butt

No, I'm not going to dump the baby and no, I don't have a thing for baby bottoms. Eww.

Baby Dump and Baby Butt are two brilliant names of baby stores in the Netherlands. Seriously. I don't know what marketing geniuses came up with these, but I think they missed the day when they learned that if you're saying something in another language to be cool (because English is SO cool) you might want to check with a couple of native speakers about the word choice. Clearly focus groups are not big here. Because who wants to shop at Baby Butt? Let's take this idea one measly step further: What comes out of baby butts? Shit. So let's name our store that so everyone will know our stuff's shit. WHUCK?

Or the Baby Dump?! Seriously the first time I heard about baby dump I thought it was a joke, like we call Canadian Tire 'Crap Tire' - an affectionate nickname of sorts. BUT NO!!! Baby Dump is the store's real name. And it's a MAJOR baby superstore here! My sick mind quickly took it to be the place to dump your baby, but nope, the marketing team here was apparently thinking along the lines of a dump being a place to get cheap stuff. But if they'd only asked first, I would have told them the trendy word they want is Outlet or Depot. Because a dump is where you throw your shit. The shit you don't want. Therefore Baby Dump = store full of shit you don't want.

Now, despite my abhorrence of the name, I've actually been to the Baby Dump, and I got the free goodie box they give to pregnant women.  Inside, among other things, there was a plush seal - the store mascot.
The poor mascot - as labelled on the toy - is named Dumpy. Honestly. Isn't that sad? It wasn't bad enough that they completely failed to find a cool name for the store, they had to take it out on the mascot?!

Dumpy. The Baby Dump mascot

Now here's where it gets bad. Instead of boycotting these stores on principle - as I should - don't encourage them! - I regularly surf over to their websites, browsing, increasing their hits. Because as horrible as their names are, if it means saving a few euros on this whole parenthood endeavor, I'm totally willing to get my shit from the Baby Dump or the Baby's Butt itself.

It's probably for the best...

... that they don't sell Chef Boyardee or Chunky Soup or Pizza Pockets or freezer casseroles or Fudgesicles here. (um, Demolition man, anyone? Is Holland really San Angeles and does less-than-healthy=illegal? Because who DOESN'T like these products?)

I mourn them, but it probably is for the best that I can't get my hands on these brilliant, super-handy ready-to-eat meals (or fudgesicles). I mean really; if I had easy access to those things, I would never actually cook. I would live out of my cupboard and microwave and while I'm sure my calorie count would be high enough each day, I don't think my vitamin/nutrient count would be. And then I'd have to take prenatal vitamins. And since I can't even swallow relatively small gel caps, I'd throw up. (But seriously, have you seen the size of most prenatal vitamins? If you haven't, you should go to the drugstore right now and look at the 'actual size' depiction on one of the boxes. I can't believe anyone can swallow them.) And then even the sweet Chef Boyardee goodness would go to waste. So, for the baby, it really is for the best that we live in Holland where they don't have ANY good ready-to-eat meals OR FUDGESICLES (really, people, how has this nation survived so long?!) and I am forced to actually cook.

Note: when I go 'home' for Christmas, in addition to standard festive overeating, I am so totally going to buy myself a couple of boxes of fudgesicles and pizza pockets and eat them all. I will then fill my suitcase with Beefaroni, Chunky Soup, and Campbell's soup until I am within a mg of the luggage limit, and cry a little that the frozen goods wouldn't make it back. It might be for the best that they don't sell those things here but I don't have to like it.

Chocolade kruidnoten (Holland prepares for Santa. In September)

I can't believe the shelves are already filled with Santa* treats. Seriously. It's the beginning of September and the grocery store already has chocolate letters, kruidnoten, taai taai (really gross, tough cookies) and, caviar of pre-Christmas treats, chocolade kruidnoten. This is like selling candy canes and chocolate decorations already. Before Halloween. Before Thanksgiving. Before the autumn equinox for cryin' out loud. I'm shocked. It's just... wrong. Outrageous, even.

Not so outrageous that I refused to immediately grab a few bags of chocolate kruidnoten, though. I mean, principles are one thing, but seriously people - chocolate kruidnoten? If I don't get them now, they'll be gone and I won't get any. And then I'd probably cry. Call it hormones. Actually, I came close to crying last year when they ran out and I wasn't even pregnant then. Maybe it's just me.

So I grabbed three 750g bags and threw them in our shopping cart. My husband comments: "Oh, of course; you want to bring some to Canada at Christmas." Well schmidt. I hadn't even thought of that. My thoughts were more along the lines of: OMG Kruidnoten! Quick! Get 'em quick! Hoard! Hoard! I really had no thought for my dear family in Canada. I guiltily turned back and went and got two more bags. For Canada.

Whether they last that long is a whole other issue. Especially since I'm already more than halfway through the first bag. What? You ask; not saving them for Sinterklaas and Christmas in Canada? Well, Internet, no. I considered saving them but then my dear friends on Facebook helped me rationalize it convince me - I am PREGNANT, after all. I need to feed the baby.

So now I'm inhaling my chocolate kruidnoten with such speed that I might even run out of them myself before the autumn equinox. But that's okay. It's for the baby.


*I live in Holland. And in Holland, Santa (Sinterklaas) comes on December 5th. All of these treats are associated with Santa, NOT with Christmas. After December 6th you'd be very hard pressed to find any of these treats. Unless you stock up. Like I do.