Ordering online like I have unlimited credit

While I understand that some people are show-offs gung-ho on the ball with this whole baby preparation stuff and some of us are a bit more lazy lackadaisical... relaxed about it, I thought, seeing as I don't actually have a baby yet that I wasn't too far behind.

How wrong I was.

I finally decided to order the stroller (below) because until the end of October, they'll throw in a car seat and diaper bag. And do you know when it said it would be delivered? The first week of January.

Now, as those of you who read my bio (right) know, I am due in February. And while TECHNICALLY this means that the stroller will be delivered six weeks before the squirming baby inside me is due to climb out, I consider January to be a bit last minute. <Enter panic, stage right>

See, the stroller was just the beginning. I figured that would be the hardest decision. But we still need furniture and all kinds of stuff! And if none of it can be delivered until January, well shit, I'd better at least stop putting it off and damned well order it! <And so a lifetime of procrastination comes back to bite me in the ass.>

So I've been shopping online like my life depended on it. Totally for the baby. Who really better not arrive too early.

Going to the Baby Dump and looking online at the Baby Butt

No, I'm not going to dump the baby and no, I don't have a thing for baby bottoms. Eww.

Baby Dump and Baby Butt are two brilliant names of baby stores in the Netherlands. Seriously. I don't know what marketing geniuses came up with these, but I think they missed the day when they learned that if you're saying something in another language to be cool (because English is SO cool) you might want to check with a couple of native speakers about the word choice. Clearly focus groups are not big here. Because who wants to shop at Baby Butt? Let's take this idea one measly step further: What comes out of baby butts? Shit. So let's name our store that so everyone will know our stuff's shit. WHUCK?

Or the Baby Dump?! Seriously the first time I heard about baby dump I thought it was a joke, like we call Canadian Tire 'Crap Tire' - an affectionate nickname of sorts. BUT NO!!! Baby Dump is the store's real name. And it's a MAJOR baby superstore here! My sick mind quickly took it to be the place to dump your baby, but nope, the marketing team here was apparently thinking along the lines of a dump being a place to get cheap stuff. But if they'd only asked first, I would have told them the trendy word they want is Outlet or Depot. Because a dump is where you throw your shit. The shit you don't want. Therefore Baby Dump = store full of shit you don't want.

Now, despite my abhorrence of the name, I've actually been to the Baby Dump, and I got the free goodie box they give to pregnant women.  Inside, among other things, there was a plush seal - the store mascot.
The poor mascot - as labelled on the toy - is named Dumpy. Honestly. Isn't that sad? It wasn't bad enough that they completely failed to find a cool name for the store, they had to take it out on the mascot?!

Dumpy. The Baby Dump mascot

Now here's where it gets bad. Instead of boycotting these stores on principle - as I should - don't encourage them! - I regularly surf over to their websites, browsing, increasing their hits. Because as horrible as their names are, if it means saving a few euros on this whole parenthood endeavor, I'm totally willing to get my shit from the Baby Dump or the Baby's Butt itself.

Crying a little bit...

It's SO unfair.

I have been scouring the internet for weeks looking for the best deals on baby stuff (further to the 'Oh my god baby stuff is expensive' epiphany). So today, on Marktplaats - kind of like an online PennySaver - I found the stroller that I've been wanting to buy but holding off on because I'm still hoping to find it cheaper somewhere else. Note: it IS cheaper somewhere else - EVERYWHERE outside of mainland Europe. Boo. Anyway, as I was saying, today I found it on Marktplaats.

The stroller - Mountain Buggy Swift 2010 Chilli

The Mountain Buggy Swift, Chilli (red), used 3 times and including a bunch of extras, for €209 LESS than it costs in the stores without the extras. Obviously, I immediately emailed the guy selling it.

And five minutes later, he replied: "Someone just picked it up 5 minutes ago. Sorry and good luck."
SO UNFAIR. The (polite) bastard sold MY stroller while I was trying to buy it from him. How dare he?!

So I'm crying a little bit. And considering buying it new in England. If I buy enough stuff, eventually the exchange rate will work to save me that same €209... Why is everything more expensive in euros?

Refinancing my house to pay for baby furniture

I don't know if you've noticed, but baby stuff is insanely expensive. A baby room needs furniture, which will only be used for a couple of years (ok, maybe a few more if you happen to have more kids and time it right) and these items, they're not cheap. Seriously. A baby bedroom suite, comprised of a crib, a changing table and a child-sized armoire runs from €800 to €3000. For €3000, it had better be solid wood, hand carved by Santa's elves and delivered fully assembled in my baby room by flying reindeer. But no! That's just do-it-yourself high-gloss white pressboard. Or the very stylish (actual wood!) east coast styles - New England beach look, with white-washed or gray-stained rough wood. These are actually quite rough. EVEN the INSIDE of the crib. So not only are you paying an arm and a leg for trendy, basically unfinished furniture, you'll have to deal with snagged and probably torn sheets if not a ridiculous number of slivers in you and your newborn child. Wow. What a great idea.

You know's what's even worse about these overpriced furniture suites? You still have to buy the mattress, the changing mat, any and all linens and the cute matching shelf. And do you think those come cheap? Ha.

Aside from the fact that I don't like most of the styles - really, who designs these things? We also don't need the armoire. We have a closet already, thank you, and it will do just fine even if it is adult sized. But these baby suites? The pieces are not sold separately. So you buy the whole thing for thousands of euros or you get nothing. Nice. And the cribs they do sell separately? Are UGLY. AND expensive. Or cheap but so flimsy I wouldn't use it for a doll, let alone this actual little person I've been taking care of here in my belly for so many months.

So I was looking for something sturdy, cute, and a bit more... ahem... economical. And where did I turn? Come on. Did you really have to think about it?!

IKEA, of course. Home of inexpensive, trendy furniture. Also, what can't possibly be a coincidence, FULL of pregnant women. Seriously. Has anyone ever done a survey of this? I swear AT LEAST 50% of the women in any given IKEA at any given time are pregnant.

Yet the IKEA baby selection? Sucks. Cheap crib? Check. But you know how current thinking says to tuck the baby in with his/her feet against the footboard so s/he can't squirm down under the covers and die? Well the IKEA cribs have poles all the way around, so there is no footboard. Whuck? So, in the event that the covers come loose, not only can baby squirm down underneath and possibly die, s/he can also squirm down and get his/her fat little legs stuck in the bars from hell. Great design IKEA. Really.

IKEA does, however, have a cool changing table. But its still €200 and there's no matching crib. And all the IKEA changing mats are inflatable. I'm sure this is all part of IKEA's scheme to reduce shipping costs. But after that sucker's been smeared with baby shit and is slowly deflating? It's not going to be reinflated by my mouth, let me tell you. I'd have to go buy a new one. Um... Fail.

IKEA having failed me, I'm back to the baby specialty stores and their baby suites.

So I'm looking at refinancing our house to pay for the baby suite. Or housing the baby in a drawer. One of the two. What do you think?